Fast Food!

SHRIMP

This weeks’ most uplifting moment for staff here at Crunch Magazine is the news that scientists at the Pacific University in Oregon have undertaken a study whereby they have placed a number of shrimp on miniature treadmills in order to ascertain the lengths in which the small creatures will go to acquire food.

The findings of the team involved have only just been published. It has been discovered that an average shrimp will ‘jog’ at speeds of up to 66 FOOT PER MINUTE and can continue for up to THREE HOURS before needing a rest.

This is quite possibly the cutest thing staff here at Crunch magazine have seen in our entire lives :

Well, maybe not.

STUDY

Professor David Scholnick was one of the scientists involved in determining the differences between shrimp who are in a healthy condition and those which are ill. The reasoning behind the study is ultimately to aid marine biologists in their attempts to ascertain the affects of different viruses on marine life off the western coast of America.

This is a topic which has been growing in importance over recent years with dwindling fish stocks becoming an increasing issue of concern. Scientists in Europe are also beginning to invest ever increasing amounts of money in the study of the harmful bacterias which attack marine life. A demonstration of some of recent findings can be found here, describing the ‘Cheshire Cat’ anti – bacterial defence mechanism which has altered the way in which the subject is studied.

According to Prof Scholnik : “The situation is much more critical for a sick crustacean where a decrease in performance may mean the difference between life and death,”

“A shrimp dealing with an infection is less active and limited in its ability to migrate, find food, and avoid being eaten.”

He added: “These studies will give us a better idea of how marine animals can perform in their native habitat when faced with increasing pathogens and immunological challenges.”

CRUNCH MAGAZINE’S VIEW

O.k, we will give it to this man on a points victory alone and for one reason only : The taxpayer is not footing the bill for the long hours this man spends in the laboratory passively observing shrimp on a treadmill.

Let us just repeat that…passively observing shrimp on a treadmill.

Please click here and scroll down for background article on marine conservation.

Niall Feiritear : niall.feiritear@my.westminster.ac.uk

Is it Einstein? Aristotle? No, it’s a man in a toilet

Light news this week came in the form of a Frenchman who found himself in a spot of bother whilst on board a high speed TGV train en route to Paris from La Rochelle.

The as yet un – named 26 year old man became trapped in the toilet bowl of his chosen cubicle after somehow managing to drop his mobile phone into the water and unsuccessfully attempting to retreave it. It appears that the man then fell foul of the European trains’ toilet suction system.

SPECTACLE

Firefighters took more than an hour to free the man, before lifting him from the train on a stretcher with the entire toilet still stuck to his arm, to the amazement of onlookers. One witness, Benoit Gigou was quoted as saying that the firefighters present on the scene had to saw the entire toilet seat in half right beside the train tracks. Ridiculous, we know.

A spokesman for French rail operator SNCF added: “The train was two hours late at its destination on Sunday afternoon due to an unlikely accident, and we apologise to passengers for the unavoidable delay.”

A fire spokesman added: “He was cut free from the toilet on the platform and apart from suffering bruising and smelling a bit, he suffered no other injuries.”

Glad to hear it. We would hate to think how this man would be feeling if he had gotten stuck in a toilet! Hang on a sec…

SIMILAR CASE

This story can now be updated with the added news that another man has found himself stuck in a toilet this week.

Police in Brierley Hill, near Dudley, West Midlands have launched an investigation after a man was brought to hospital whilst still attached to a public toilet bowel. Apparently some well meaning member (s) of society left a large amount of superglue on the lid and the innocent civilian found himself in a seated position for longer than he had initially intended.

Crunch Magazine’s View:

We’re not sure what is happening to the world but one thing is for certain, if anybody knows how to get into Sarah Palin’s bathroom, we will supply the glue.

Please click here and scroll down for background article on the TGV.

Niall Feiritear : niall.feiritear@my.westminster.ac.uk

Philosophical Adverts: The New Danger

One of the more interesting stories that has come to the attention of staff here at Crunch magazine in London this week is the news that renouned evolutionary biologist , Richard Dawkins , has helped to commission the emblazonment of a new advertising campaign bearing the slogan “There’s probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life” on the side of up to 60 ‘bendy buses’ in the capital. Campaigners supporting the move believe the messages will provide a reassuring antidote to religious adverts that threaten eternal damnation to passengers.

ATHEIST

Dawkins, a life long atheist,and author of the best selling book ‘ The God Delusion’ had this to say “”Religion is accustomed to getting a free ride – automatic tax breaks, unearned ‘respect’ and the right not to be ‘offended’, the right to brainwash children. Even on the buses, nobody thinks twice when they see a religious slogan plastered across the side.This campaign to put alternative slogans on London buses will make people think – and thinking is anathema to religion.”

The story took a turn later in the week when Stephen Green of pressure group Christian Voice emerged in the media with comparisons between atheism and the actual bendy bus itself. Mr.Green is of the belief that both atheism and bendy buses provide a sustained and very real threat to mankind itself. He is quoted as saying that both are a serious ” danger to the public at large”.

BHA

The British Humanist Association was initially behind the campaign and with the help of Mr. Dawkins’, have raised over £36,000 to fund the slogans which will run in Westminster from January 2009. BHA member and comedy writer Arian Sherine first came up with the idea after discovering that a number of Pro – Christian adverts on public transport promoted websites which laid claim to the belief that non believers would not be saved from damnation and would,in fact, ‘burn in Hell for Eternity’.

CRUNCH MAGAZINES’ VIEW

After spending up to an entire week deep in retrospective thought, the staff here at Crunch Magazine have carefully considered the words of Mr. Green regarding the threat to mankind offered by both the bendy bus and atheism. Our combined conclusion is that the pressure group Christian Voice is probably right in their belief that the bendy bus could, if left to its’ own devices, trigger some sort of a holocaust. With the onset of A.I , we feel it would be irresponsible for the Government to allow the public to be transported around in these useful buses. As such, we are trying to ban its cohorts, the accordian, and the notorious blue tit. It is clear to us that these items have gone un – checked for quite long enough and must be removed from society before they take us all down with them. Readers can sign up for our e- petition here.

Please click here for background article on Richard Dawkins

Niall Feiritear : niall.feiritear@my.westminster.ac.uk

Never underestimate a stomach cramp

If the current precarious slide towards a complete financial depression has left you feeling a little Van Gogh, please don’t chop your ears off, you could be a pregnant man. This is exactly the information John Graddy Pippen, was given by staff at Curry General Hospital in Gold Beach, Oregon this week, along with a prescription for some pills.

BIT OF A SHOCK

After being treated late last night for severe abdominal pain, the local man was given the unexpected news that he was, in fact, expecting. Unexpected indeed. Mr.Pippen was handed paperwork which read “Based on your visit today, we can inform you that you are in fact pregnant”. No doubt this came as somewhat of a surprise for the 71 year old Grandad.

Staff at the hospital were quick to admit that there MUST have been a mistake with the paperwork. We should hope so. It is difficult enough already to survive London on a budget with the current economic climate but to find out that you have to buy presents for your Grandads baby shower next week would be completely un – biological.

REAL CASE

There has been a number of cases of this strange phenomenon reported in recent times but it was only last Summer that the world saw a case such as this which proved to be more than just the work of a bumbling hospital administrator or your run of the mill hoaxer. Thomas Beatie, of Bend, also in Oregon ( there must be something in the water in that part of America ) gave birth to a healthy baby girl, a number of years after completing a transgender operation.

Here at Crunch magazine, our staff have found that this story reminds us of a film about another father – to – be starring one of America’s most colourful politicians. Have a look at our last link to see how much this man has aged!

Please click here for background article on transgeniality

Niall Feiritear : niall.feiritear@my.westminster.ac.uk